We were in Esperance, staying with family during the Christmas season. It was magical, but once all the celebrations ended and January rolled around, I was determined to get into action. One day, I was on a mission to get our daughter's passport renewed. I remember as we were walking towards the movie theatre to watch a movie we had planned to watch with Amelia, I kept telling Jorge that we had to get the photos and that we could squeeze it in before the movie. I could only be described as "a nervous list wreck." I was so worried about my to-do list, and the thought of not ticking everything off made me and everyone around me anxious.
Eventually, Jorge asked me, "Does it have to happen today? Is there a possibility of doing it tomorrow? Why is there such an urgency to get it done today? We have time, but right now, aren't we all going to the movies?" Huh, I never thought about that. I was so wrapped up in completing the task that I created my own false sense of urgency, and I hate to admit it, but I thrived on it. Getting it done was imperative to me feeling capable, in control, and worthy.
I have been focusing on the NLP theory BE DO HAVE to help me create clarity in how I want to show up each day. In my letter last week, I wrote about the focus on having it all and ticking the societal expectations. So, now I am coming to understand more about the DOER in me.
I am incredibly good at DOING. I love a good 'to-do' list and thrive on striking everything I have accomplished off the list. I will even go to the extreme of writing things on my list once I have done them to get the thrill of ticking them off. However, since my conversation with Jorge all those months back in January, I realise that I often fall into the trap of the following beliefs: "Once I finish everything, I can then relax; if I just complete these things, then I will feel better; I will lose control if I don't get this done; I must do all these things to stay ahead; I can't relax because I have so much to do…" Do any of these statements sound familiar?
Even now, while travelling around Australia for 41 weeks, I have been on and off the 'to-do' list chase. "What are we doing next?" would be a constant phrase for Jorge. "I need to do 'XYZ'" has repeatedly come up. I even found my heart palpitating with the thoughts of my imaginary to-do list for when we return home: "What do we do when we get back from this trip?" I get so overwhelmed, and end up having a cry with Jorge, usually just before we go to bed. Poor guy!
I have wondered why the 'doing' part is so important to me. What does it give me? Why do I let it consume me at times?
I will be honest. At this point, I stopped writing and started doing some tasks—washing, cleaning, and generally avoiding writing. How interesting. This question pushes a boundary. Am I ready to share?
As I was sorting out the washing, my head was saying, "Why is doing things so important?" Something came up for me, which maybe I am too scared to admit but have known for a long time. And as I am writing to you all, I must face it now. I heard the voice say, "If you are not doing something, then you are lazy." There you go. I have now written it down, and it is out there.
I don't like being called lazy; it makes me recoil, and I feel a deep sense of judgment and disgust toward myself. Why does this word trigger me so much? Being called lazy brings up moments of being teased when I was younger and bigger, being bullied at school for not being sporty enough, and feeling judged if I sat down. The narrative I kept hearing: "There she is, thunder thighs, sitting there on her bum, doing nothing." The hurt. Wow.
Now, this is going to sound crazy. But when I really think about these moments and try to understand my thoughts toward my 'to-do' list when I think of being called lazy, I see the image from the 1995 movie Seven with Brad Pitt. The particular scene of the large fat man sitting in the chair—all you see is his back—comes up straight away. I watched that movie almost 29 years ago, and it still sticks. His sin is gluttony, and to me, laziness means gluttony.
It's no wonder I get so anxious when I don't have a thousand things to do on my list, have a plan for the day, or feel like I need to exhaust myself before I finally have the right to sit down. I have been running the narrative that I am lazy or a glutton if I don't constantly do things.
When coaching clients, I usually ask, "What is the purpose of this belief? Is it actually true? "What emotions do you feel when you think of it?" If you could change it, what would it be instead?"
Confronting this narrative and realising that I have associated the incomplete list or lack of 'doing' with gluttony, laziness, and self-loathing has been eye-opening, to say the least. I have been running a painful cycle as I hate to feel disgusted with myself, and I will keep chasing the list to avoid that at all costs.
Thankfully, I am now aware of this peculiar and irrational association. I can change it.
My emotions attached to not completing or finishing tasks or not being consumed by an urgent to-do list are not actually working for me and, more importantly, are not valid and true.
I love a good list; I also feel incredible seeing the results of my actions and doing what I set out to accomplish. A list creates clarity and focus for my day, and I get a real kick out of them. But now, I realise that the emotions connected to not completing my to-do list or not having one constantly in my head have affected me. I now understand that the feelings associated with the 'to-do list' need adjusting. Quite a few people could gain insights into their own emotions towards their 'to-do list' by exploring the question: What emotions come up when you don't get things done or have a 'to-do' list?
Looking back on this experience, I've realised that the relentless pursuit of ticking off every item on a to-do list was my way of avoiding something I had seen 29 years ago and swore never to be guilty of—the sin of gluttony or sloth, or whatever self-deprecating adjective laziness took on. The understanding that my worth, self-love, energy, and value aren't tied to the number of tasks I complete is liberating.
Consider this: What if an unfinished list means I've prioritised what truly matters? I have placed my energy and love into a more flexible 'to-be' list instead of focusing on just getting things done. Isn't it more important to focus on how we show up, our impact on those around us and how we feel at the end of each day?
So, I will choose my "to-be" list, knowing it's not about doing more, but about doing what matters most.
"Doing less is not being lazy. Don't give in to a culture that values personal sacrifice over personal productivity." – Tim Ferriss.
Momentum Life Coaching is a space for real, life-changing support. We believe that once you understand yourself, your values and goals, you'll start moving towards them like an uncontrollable force of nature. Our purpose is to guide you! And as you read this, it's becoming even clearer now that you've got Momentum behind you!