When I reflect on imposter syndrome—when I feel it—it's usually tied to fear: fear of judgment, fear of not fitting in, fear of looking foolish, and, the hardest one, fear of failure. These words surface when I strip back the fancy label of imposter syndrome and consider what it feels like inside me.
You see, we are all imposters. Why? Because it's in our DNA to seek connection and belonging. We want to fit within a tribe, to find our people. We don't want to be left out or alone. So, we create personas that will work. Perhaps we've worn so many masks that we've become imposters to ourselves, struggling to recognise who we truly are. Is that why we panic? Do we worry about being "found out" because we've bent ourselves so far to fit in that we've lost sight of what's right for us?
This week, we visited the NSW Art Gallery as a family—a day of exploring the city and trying something new, my favourite type of day. When we arrived, I was struck by the beauty of the building: an elegant blend of old and new. A woman at the entrance caught my eye, offering help. I wanted to know where the children's section was. Still, she enthusiastically shared insights about exhibitions for adults (as if I knew any of them!). Instead of just asking outright about the kite-making for Amelia, I nodded along, pretending to follow. Why? Because I didn't want to appear ignorant. Amelia, however, had no such reservations. When asked what art she liked, my five-year-old responded brightly, "This naked statue with a snake is funny!" (It was right behind us). Then, with a casual shrug, she added, "But I like more colour. Where's the kids' section?"
There was no hesitation, no need for approval—just honesty. Amelia is true to herself. And it struck me: she hasn't yet crafted the imposter masks that I have and doesn't care about fitting into societal expectations or impressing anyone. She enjoys the moment, her way.
Studies reveal that we realise the world is more significant than ourselves by age seven. This is when we begin noticing differences and feel the pull to belong beyond our family. Each belief and narrative we absorb—from our families, friends, and even ourselves—builds the imposter persona or a version of ourselves. We start forming patterns designed to fit in and find approval.
Another brush with imposter syndrome came this week when I agreed to visit a new mum's house for a meet-up. Despite appearing outgoing to others, I was petrified. I raced with "What ifs": What if they don't like me? What if I embarrass myself? What if I say something stupid and ruin Amelia's school years forever? (Yes, dramatic, I know.)
When I examined these thoughts, I realised my fears were rooted in other people's reactions—things I couldn't control. But the primitive part of my brain (the amygdala) equated fitting in with survival and went into overdrive.
How did I show up instead of cancelling? I started by voicing my thoughts to my husband, letting the irrational fears out. I reminded myself that I wasn't alone in feeling this way. Meeting strangers in an unfamiliar setting can be daunting for anyone. And guess what? Once I arrived, I admitted to the group that I was nervous. Every single mum echoed the same feeling. We laughed, connected, and had a wonderful day.
The truth is imposter syndrome is universal. It stems from our innate desire to fit in and be liked. But sometimes, our brains work overtime to protect us, which backfires.
A psychologist friend shared a helpful metaphor: think of imposter syndrome as a table. The tabletop represents the belief (They think… / People will… / If they find out…). The legs beneath are the "proof points" supporting that belief, gathered over a lifetime. And here's the key: we can challenge those legs.
Overcoming Imposter Syndrome:
Challenge the proof points: When the belief arises, ask yourself if the supporting evidence still holds true.
Normalise it: Remember that everyone, no matter how confident they seem, experiences these feelings.
Visualise success: Imagine the situation if you pushed through the discomfort.
It's about dismantling the false narratives and rewiring our minds to quiet the fight-or-flight response. For our children, it's about helping them build strong, positive belief systems—filling their "tables" with empowering and encouraging moments so they can challenge doubt when it arises.
There is no growth without imposter syndrome. Ultimately, imposter syndrome is a symptom of being pushed outside our comfort zones. And nothing feels more exposing than being outside of your comfort zone. It's your unconscious mind's job to protect you, your ego—and from that perspective, imposter syndrome is a signal that your unconscious mind has kicked into "protect mode", "beware of the unknown", and "fight or flight".
This is all good and well, but you still FEEL it viscerally through your body, and it doesn't feel great, right? Next time you feel imposter syndrome kick in, I'd like you to ask yourself these 3 circuit-breaker questions:
Am I feeling this way because I am trying/learning something new (growth and discomfort)?
Is this feeling real/valid? Am I in real danger here? (FEAR and using context to normalise)
Am I simply playing out scenarios in my head that haven't happened in real life (anxiety and protection of ego)
Your answers are likely to be
1. Yes
2. No
3. Yes
If your answer differs from the above, then go ahead and trust your instincts and give your imposter room to assess the situation and dangers. Otherwise, let go of the impostor feeling by acknowledging that your unconscious mind's job is well done in protecting you.
Imposter syndrome doesn't have to control us. It's simply a signal from our brain trying (sometimes too hard) to protect us. By recognising it, challenging its roots, and shifting our perspective, we can show up as honest and open as we want. And when we do, we inspire our children to embrace their unique strengths, free from the weight of trying to fit in. So, let's lead by example—building belief systems that empower, embracing the messy beauty of growth, and reminding ourselves that we already belong. Always.
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