Dear Friends,
I want to share everything with you and be as brave and honest as possible when writing. I owe it to myself and anyone who invests their precious time reading this. As I reflect on the amazing and ugly aspects of my life to learn and grow, I hope my story resonates with you.
I will start with a subject that has been around since I was about 10. A subject we all have opinions about is body image. One of my biggest concerns is what I pass down to my daughter and how she will view herself as she grows. I see her freedom and joy in her little body when she shakes her bum at us and does a little dance. She ABSOLUTELY LOVES herself. And I believe I felt this way once. So what changed?
So, I have two important tasks: 1) to ensure she keeps loving herself, and 2) to change my self-image because I know I will be her mirror, and I am determined to stop the family cycle.
My NLP studies taught me that our past experiences shape us, and we hold onto meanings from them. To heal my body doubts, I need to understand where they began. So let’s go back to the beginning.
I have always been a healthy size, never small or petite. I thought I was normal and loved myself. But at around 10, I noticed I was bigger than the girls in my class. I wasn’t picked for sports, I was teased in class and I enjoyed sneaking chocolate treats. Why did I feel the need to hide it? What started this? My dad’s quadruple bypass led to an immediate stop in unhealthy eating, and the idea that there is good food and naughty food. The downside of this is that it meant I sneaked extra treats at friends' houses and found pleasure in the thing that was banned or naughty.
My mum was a curvy woman and battled her own body image demons. From a young age, I knew she wasn’t happy with herself—she was still trying to find her inner happiness and self-love. I watched her yoyo with weight throughout her life. She was always so beautiful to me, and I loved her laugh—it was loud, bright, and infectious. But no matter how much she laughed at her toughest times, her lack of confidence in her body would take over. I remember watching her look in the mirror, suck it in, and prod her tummy. As I write this, I feel a stab of pain in my heart. I know I have done this too, and if I am honest, recently. Has my own daughter already seen this?
By the time I went into high school, I didn’t feel quite right. I knew I wasn’t the thin girl, and I remember an ordinary day during school when a boy ran past me on the corridor stairs and called me fat. To this day, I cannot remember who he was or his name, but it stuck. Boy, did it stick.
I vowed that night to be skinny. I started eating less and enjoying the control. Hunger felt good to me, and when I wanted to overindulge, I realised I could get rid of anything if I wanted to. I became an expert.
Now, the funny thing is, as I got thinner and sicker in my mental thoughts—judging, prodding, running in my room, and doing crunches until I felt sick to keep my stomach flat—I got so many compliments, boys’ attention, and admiration. The sick fate of finding acceptance and being loved was at the cost of my well-being, but it was worth it—I guess.
I remember at 17, bumping into an old school friend just as we finished high school, and he said to me, “Wow, you seem to have grown into your curves” (Thank goodness Jennifer Lopez was now popular), and I was so grateful for being noticed. There it was again—the sad truth: all this torment was for others’ approval, for the likes and body image
After a bad-eating night, I coughed up blood and realised I should find help. My period had stopped, my hair was thin, and it no longer felt like this was good for me. I eventually got some help, and I began to recover. I realised I could be healthy and still feel good, but deep down, I wanted people to like and notice me. Maybe this was the actual reason for my body hate? Did getting the compliments give me love?
Then I met my wonderful soulmate in 2003, and our bodies have changed several times over 21 years, and we are still deliciously in love with each other. I remember clearly finding myself when we moved to Australia 8 years ago; I started the no-sugar focus and loved swimming; I found my freedom in food and movement; it felt incredible. But pregnancy in 2018 brought back old demons. Looking back with the knowledge I have now, I never really faced them just managed to quieten them through the years. And the internal dialogue flooded me again: “You are eating for two” it shouted, “This is your chance to let go,” it whispered, “Just have what you want, you can now,” it cheered! Leading to significant weight gain and struggling with self-image all over again.
I gained so much weight and believed the old wives’ tale that the weight just drops off with breastfeeding – yay! Unfortunately, it turned out I couldn’t breastfeed, and it didn’t just ‘fall off’. The pressure on mums to bounce back and the bullshit story of getting into your old jeans again, is just insane. Side note, I actually wouldn’t want to get into those jeans, they’re hipsters, which means a whole lot of plumbers crack each time I bend down to my daughter! And to any mum reading this, it is your journey, your time - keep loving yourself!
I remember back when we visited Exmouth, WA, earlier this year, a sweet older lady asked Jorge where we were planning on having the baby… (stab to the heart!). He simply said, “No, we are not pregnant.” Now, I must admit I was in a jumpsuit, and we just had dinner, so to be totally fair to her, I probably did have a little food baby belly! But I saw the woman quieten, and I thought this could go two ways: I could keep her in misery or laugh about it and have a good chat. I chose option two. My daughter was watching, and I saw how the woman felt - embarrassed, awkward, and so very sorry. I wanted my daughter to see love, kindness, and understanding. The bonus was that we had a great chat.
As an NLP Master Practitioner, I help clients embrace their past to change their future. The result is huge shifts in the internal narrative. Clients describe it as “instant change” and another as if “you suddenly become clear, like all your inner chatter gets washed away.” So it is now my time to heal my past over body image. To my younger self, I say, “You are incredible, and I see you.” To the boy who called me fat, I forgive you and myself. To my teenage self, we made it through. To my 30- and 40-year-old selves, I say, “I’ve got you, I love you, and you are wonderful.”
Travelling around Australia, I’ve seen women of all shapes and sizes shine. They choose to simply enjoy each moment. Now I can sit and hide, or jump right in. I have chosen to jump and embrace my curves again. They might not be the same (but who would want that!), but they are strong. They can enjoy playtime with my daughter, and at times, yes, I admit it, I need to sit slightly sideways to go down the slides. You have to love those curves! But I still get down, and the pure joy in her face as I join in and play reminds me to keep loving myself, ensuring my daughter does too.
Through this journey, I’ve learned that body image isn't about fitting into societal norms but about finding joy and acceptance within ourselves. It’s about understanding that our bodies, with all their changes and imperfections, tell our stories of resilience, strength, and love. The moments of self-doubt, the hurtful comments, and the battles with self-image have all shaped me into who I am today—a woman determined to break the cycle of self-criticism and embrace a life filled with self-love and acceptance.
Ultimately, it’s not the external validation that truly matters but the internal peace and happiness we cultivate. My story is a testament to the power of self-love and the importance of being kind to ourselves. I am committed to being a positive role model for my daughter, showing her that she is beautiful and worthy just as she is. And in doing so, I heal the younger versions of myself who struggled and doubted.
All my love,
Vikki
PS: Always have a backup plan if stuck down a tunnel slide. Jorge and I speak about it. Our plan: get butter or WD40! I hope to see you one day on the slides :)
If this letter has resonated with you and you are ready to heal from the past or perhaps fall in love with yourself again - please reach out. I am here for you.