This week, I want to discuss raising confident and brave children. As an auntie for a long time before becoming a mum, I've seen many ways of raising children. But the truth is that the reality only hits once you have your own.
I only have a five-year-old, and I can hear some of you saying, "Wait until they're teenagers—this is the easy part!" I completely understand what you mean. But this week, while giving away packing boxes, I met an incredible woman who made me reflect deeply on this topic.
It was her first time moving out of the family home after 44 years. She'd moved in with just one suitcase all those years ago and now had no idea how to pack up her life. She was googling, watching YouTube videos, and collecting free boxes—she was already a winner in my eyes! But what struck me most was that this petite, gentle woman had raised five daughters in that house on the corner of our street.
All five had grown up to be independent women with their own families, and all had moved further afield to buy homes. This once-busy family home, filled with laughter and chaos, now stood quiet and empty. I couldn't help but wonder, what did she do right? All five daughters were now independent and living good lives. Surely, raising five girls earns you a ticket to heaven!
When I asked her how she did it, her answer surprised me: "It wasn't me; it was them."
This led me to reflect on something I always hear—in podcasts, social feeds, and mums' groups—about making our kids confident, brave, happy, and complete (insert the buzzword of your choice). It's a topic that's been on my mind a lot lately.
But here's the thing: I must be incredibly arrogant to believe I can make my child confident, brave, or happy. Why? Because the very idea suggests there's something wrong with her that needs fixing. And honestly, I think we can all agree—our kids are pretty amazing as they are.
Dr Shefali Tsabary, who speaks so beautifully about conscious parenting, is my go-to reminder: Our children are not here to make us feel worthy; they teach us how to love, learn, and be patient again. They are the teachers because they haven't yet been scarred, burned, or burdened by the limiting beliefs that weigh us down.
Whoa!!
So, who needs the lessons? The answer is simple: us.
We need to parent our inner child—those parts of us still carrying pain, fear, and unhealed wounds. Only then can we show up whole and complete for our kids without needing approval, perfection, or validation.
And why does this matter so much?
When we've done the inner work, we can genuinely be with our children. Their behaviour won't trigger us, and we'll stop passing on the baggage we haven't dealt with ourselves to our kids.
Let
That
Sink
In.
So, this week, let's reframe the question of how we raise confident children to how we turn inwards and work on raising our inner child first.
The Inner Child at Play...
Here are two personal examples that keep coming up for me:
1. Reactions to "Bad Behaviour"
We all know kids misbehave—it's what they do. But why is it so hard to keep calm? For me, it's often around food. When my daughter doesn't like a meal, says she's not hungry (after insisting she was), or takes one bite and declares that she's full. I feel anger and guilt rising.
This reaction isn't about her; it's about me. I grew up in a home where you had to finish your plate. If you took more, you'd better eat it. Expressing dislike for a dish wasn't an option. As a child, I often felt unheard, guilted (think "starving children in Africa"), and angry during mealtimes.
So when Amelia refuses food, it's not about her preferences—it's about my unresolved emotions (and sometimes just about wreckless food waste, another topic I won't discuss). Do I want to pass this on to her? Absolutely not.
2. The Need to Make Everyone Happy
I feel a surge of pride when Amelia behaves beautifully—like when she pushes the trolley in the supermarket and asks for broccoli. My imaginary gold star is shining! It's a "look at me, I'm validated as a great parent—my kid eats greens!" moment.
But here's the thing: I don't want her to be a "good girl" for my sake. I want her to be strong, independent, and brave enough to think and stand up for herself and choose Brocolli because she loves it—not because mommy loves the feeling mommy gets when Amelia chooses Brocolli. That's a massive difference.
Looking back, I realise that my need for approval started when I was young. I remember being caught up in a school incident involving stolen money. I didn't speak up and felt ashamed, afraid, and desperate to please everyone afterwards. From that moment on, I sought shiny gold stars to prove my worth.
This approval-seeking pattern shows up now in how I feel when others see Amelia as "good." But I don't want her to carry that burden. It's mine to unpack and heal.
Unpacking the Baggage
When I coach clients, their work or lifestyle goals often lead us back to childhood. We unearth moments they didn't understand or heal, and the impact is profound. They feel lighter, less reactive, and better able to go with the flow, creating positive ripples in their family dynamics.
So, before you Google "how to raise confident kids," ask yourself: What moments from your childhood still weigh on you? What feelings of guilt, shame, or fear keep appearing in your life?
Heal those first. Then, as Dr. Shefali says, simply show up for your kids—let them feel seen, heard, safe, and supported. That is the greatest gift we can give them.
Love,
Me