Wow, this has been such an interesting couple of weeks. Travelling to see family in Europe after so many years apart brought up a range of emotions. First, there was gratitude—for the chance to see them again and, for some, to say goodbye, knowing it might be the last time in person. Then came excitement, watching Amelia meet her family for the first time. And then a wave of nostalgia, going past places and old haunts that were once woven into my life when I lived there. But I wasn’t expecting the sadness that came rushing in. And it wasn’t the sadness of knowing I might not see some loved ones again; it was a different kind of sadness; it was the sadness related to my place in the family.
This isn’t a reflection on my beautiful family or our wonderful time. The sadness came from within me. Something shifted while I was there, and I haven’t been able to put it into words for the past two weeks. It left me speechless and even unable to write my stories. I guess I just needed time to let it settle. So now, let me try to share it with you.
When you’ve been away from family for a long time, so much happens—for them and you. For me, those years brought some of the most significant moments of my life: career changes, becoming a mother, moving homes, and even travelling in a caravan for a year. And somewhere along the way, my values and beliefs about the world and my place in it evolved, especially around how I fit into the life I left behind. I think this is where the sadness stems from.
To explain what I discovered, let me start by talking about values and beliefs. I know this is discussed a lot, and you might already know about them, but bear with me; it will only take a second.
Have you ever felt unsettled, with noisy inner chatter, flipping from happiness to feeling rubbish in 0.2 seconds? You can’t quite pinpoint why it’s happening; it seems to hit out of nowhere. Maybe you blame it on the time of the month, your partner, or an annoying conversation at work. But it comes up, that familiar discomfort. If you’ve felt this (please tell me you have!), you’ve likely experienced your values being triggered incorrectly. The key is to put an emotion to that feeling. What’s being pushed? Once you name the emotion, ask yourself, “What needs to happen for this feeling to be met?” This question reveals the rules you’ve unconsciously created around each emotion. And the amazing thing is—once you identify your value, you can check if those rules still work for you, and if they don’t, you can change them! Yes, you can change the rules because even though they’re unconscious, you created them over the years. And trust me, when you see the complicated rules you’ve made around your values, letting go and making them more straightforward can be life-changing!
Our values start in childhood and are formed by our parents, siblings, and friends. Then, as we move away from family, we begin to create new values. My most significant value is connection. I’ve worked hard to understand what this emotion means to me and why it’s so often triggered. But my value of connection was wrapped in all sorts of rules:
Make sure everyone is happy.
Entertain people.
Say something funny or insightful.
Buy things for others.
Always say yes.
Make people feel amazing.
Please them all.
It was exhausting. When I realised that connection was really about quality time, peace with the company I’m in, and simple things like a coffee in the sunshine or a walk outdoors, I found I could meet this value more often and with more gratitude and calm.
But when I was with family again, I realised I was still holding onto old rules around connection. I take full ownership of these rules, which were self-created over the years within my family dynamics. I thought I’d moved past those rules, but going back brought up the truth that there’s still work.
That realisation hit me hard. I felt sad, wondering if all my inner work meant nothing. I felt sorry for losing that old connection and my inner battle during the trip. It was draining and made me quiet and distant—the last thing I wanted while with family!
I began to understand that part of my old rules involved being the one who kept the family together. I know it sounds silly, but it was a role I took on, especially after Mum passed away. I hosted Easter, Christmas, and birthdays, and I loved doing it. But I put so much pressure on myself to keep everyone happy, stable, connected. I thought I had to be the glue. And I’m guessing some of you might relate to that—to the belief that you’re the one holding it all together, carrying the pressure to keep harmony, a task that’s impossible when you really think about it.
I felt the weight of this rule at the table, watching my family. We were all gathered at my sister’s house, enjoying the meal, and as I sat there, I realised I didn’t have much to share; there were no familiar stories. They had a favourite wine, shared stories from past gatherings and knew the latest news in the family dynamic. I also watched my niece and nephew—who were only little when I left but are now 20 and 16—and I don’t know everything about them anymore.
And as I sat there, I realised I’d become the visitor. I could see that I’d lost the deep connection from shared time, and my old rule around connection no longer fit.
It was beautiful to be there, watching everyone and listening to them. But the sadness was still there. This isn’t my life anymore; my world is different now, and I love it deeply. We’ve all moved in different directions—directions we each need to take. I’m no longer the one gathering everyone for special occasions, and I don’t need to be. I am now the visiting family member. Accepting that allows me to cherish the time we share as something precious—a moment to reunite, just as we are.
Now, back in Sydney, I’ve had time to reflect. I keep going back to a moment in my sister’s house. I was up early, listening to my family wake up, feeling grateful to be there. I walked into the kitchen to say good morning, and she showed me a plant from Mum’s house that had bloomed the week we arrived. She said, “Just in time for you,” and smiled.
At that moment, I felt a rush of gratitude for our relationship. Despite the distance and all the changes in our lives, beliefs, and values, we share an invisible bond of connection.
And just like that, the inner noise goes quiet.
Love,
Me