In NLP, there are four stages of learning, and this is where we transition from feeling competent to genuinely confident in our tasks, actions, or next steps in life. This is balancing confidence vs competence.
So, what are the four stages?
UI - Unconscious Incompetence: This is when we are unaware that we don't know something. Think of every moment in your life when you were in this state, unaware that you needed to know something until it came to your attention.
I think back to all the changes we've been through as a family: moving countries, buying houses, selling houses, moving into a caravan, raising a child, being married, forming partnerships, building a business—the list is endless. I didn't know any of these things or knew I needed to know them when I was five; they were not in my wheelhouse. Even when I think of Amelia starting school next year, she will be in this phase—we don't know what we don't know; it happens to all of us.
CI - Conscious Incompetence: This is when we realise that we should know something but could be better at it.
This stage often brings with it many emotions. Adults tend to lean towards the negative during this learning process. We should already know this or fear looking foolish if we don't. This stage of learning is probably one of the scariest. Still, it's the tipping point where competence turns into confidence. This is when thoughts like imposter syndrome, not being good enough, self-doubt, worry, and fear start to appear and play havoc with our sense of worthiness. But let's be honest: if I've never run my own business before, how am I supposed to know things that haven't been part of my consciousness or main focus? Our brain only ensures that we learn what we focus on. Isn't it amazing how much you start to research, discover, and unlock when you focus on learning something that's now important to you?
I realise that in order to really embrace this stage, we need to drop the negative self-talk. If we are honest with ourselves, it's actually our ego trying to protect us in the worst way possible by keeping us in our lane, sticking to what we already know, and not growing. It is time to dismiss the past demons that chant their nasty thoughts and lean into the fact that we are learning something new, and it's okay that we didn't know it until now.
Remember, we will always be learning. Ask anyone older than you, and you'll hear the same: "You still have so much to learn." So, embrace these moments when you don't know because something great lies on the other side. Love the fact that you don't know it all yet (thank goodness). How boring would life be if we knew it all? Step into this stage with courage and strength.
Phew! We've now gotten over ourselves, the doubt and the fear. This is my moment of realisation that I don't need to feel terrible or be afraid when I make mistakes throughout the business-building process, that I am not stupid for asking questions, and that it's good to be curious and learn. I have learned to drop my ego, let go of fear and move on to stage three - bring it on!
CC - Conscious Competence: Now we consciously know the information, next steps, actions, and thoughts that will help us achieve goals or tasks. Think of it like when you first passed your driving test. I remember feeling excited but also very aware of myself when driving, consciously ensuring I checked all mirrors, focused on the road, and made it home. I was competent but still needed to be fully confident.
Can you remember a time when you felt this way? I have so many memories. My first few years as a mum—oh my goodness, did I not feel confident. I remember going to the shopping mall for the first time with Amelia and freaking out in case she cried or needed a nappy change. Then, as time passed, I learned the locations of baby changing rooms (something totally not on my radar before!), and it became easier.
We start to breathe again here—just one step at a time. Remember what we have learnt so far—we've got this. With a bit more time and by building that beautiful network in our brain to hardwire the learning, we will reach stage four.
UC - Unconscious Competence: We have reached the final stage where we feel genuinely confident in our actions, handling situations, and knowing what to do when things don't go according to plan. So, if we link this stage back to driving, if you, like me, have been doing this for years, it's not something I have to consciously think about. I know how to drive; my unconscious mind has mapped it all out and built this network of memory, lessons, and learning, which is substantial. This is where confidence comes in.
Now, can you think back to when you suddenly realised you were actually really good at something and had the confidence to handle anything that came your way in that specific thing you'd learned? I feel this constantly; my confidence grows daily between learning to live in a caravan and building a business.
I believe there is a desire to "be confident" and that it mistakenly looks, feels, or sounds a particular way or that some of us are "born with it'. But when you see the path leading to achieving confidence, it is unique and individual. We all have confidence inside of us because we have all been learning since birth. But we have allowed fear to take over, painting the idea of confidence in a different colour and using it to hide ourselves in the deathly shades of comparison instead of believing in our own canvas.
Our confidence grows daily as we become competent in our own lives, learn a new skill or emotion, put ourselves out there, try new things, and have the courage to show up in our own way.
Confidence comes from the courage to learn.
To appreciate that at any moment in your life, you will be in one of these stages, with a blank canvas in front of you. It comes when you accept that you have no idea what colour to choose or how to begin. It comes with the self-belief that you will create a clearer picture of what your canvas will look like as you learn. It comes with the grit to continue shaping the colours and images, no matter what appears in the process. It comes when you humbly let go of your ego, embrace the joy of learning from others around you, from yourself, and gently guide yourself to create the canvas you've been dreaming about.
Confidence is not the end goal; it is simply a wonderful state we get to pin to our canvas called life, which grows, changes, and flows with us.
QUOTE:
"We gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… We must do that which we think we cannot."
— Eleanor Roosevelt