I love couples' dynamics; I always find understanding how people work together fascinating. I think back to my parents and the wonderful people I know around me. I have seen relationships fall apart, filled with hatred, and I have seen relationships overflowing with love and compassion. This weekend, we met up with some friends, and being in the company of others has been fantastic—sitting around the campfire, watching the kids play, observing each couple interact, and enjoying great conversations. It has been a truly epic weekend. This experience has made me reflect deeply on couples' dynamics, the secret to a great marriage, and how we navigate life as a unit and family.
We had a little old lady and her husband staying beside us; they were fascinating. I watched them make a small fire, read books, eat marshmallows, drink wine, chat, and roast chestnuts on their little open flame (if you are like me, I hope you hear the same Christmas song in your head when you read that!). It was sweet, and I loved observing them (not in a creepy way) and noticing their actions' simplicity and presence with each other. We got chatting, and it turns out they have been together for 56 years.
Naturally, our first question was: what's the secret? She replied, "It starts with respect. Respect the person you are with for who they are; you cannot change them or expect them to change. Allow them to be the person they are."
This got me thinking about all the relationships I have had the privilege of knowing and the insights I have gathered on maintaining a relationship.
My dad's older brother and sister-in-law have also been together for over 50 years. They are the kind of couple you can see love each other daily. They hold hands, play tennis, sit in the garden together, and look at each other with warmth and affection. They seem to move through their world like two perfect flowers dancing gracefully in the wind. So, we asked them their secret to a great marriage: "You need to communicate. Remember, it was you two first, and you both will be there at the end. Keep talking and never stop."
Living in Australia means we have few family members close by; Jorge's parents live in Portugal, and my dad lives in the UK. When Amelia was born, some people at the gym asked if we wanted any second-hand children's toys as their grandkids were residing in the USA. We automatically said yes, on one condition—they get to meet the little baby they give the toys to. So, when Amelia was old enough, we went to their home, and they met her. This one day turned into a five-year friendship, and these people are now called Nan and Pa by Amelia. They have been together for many years, and we have witnessed their love and relationship. What is their secret? "You need to choose to be together as a couple, but it's important to do your own thing and have your own passions and interests."
While travelling around NT, we met a wonderful couple who have become firm friends. They have an incredible family network; their grown-up children still love being with their parents. They have a virtual game night every Sunday and plan holidays together. What is their secret? "First and foremost is that we are best friends; like any friendship, you have ups and downs. The secret is not to dwell on the downs but to focus on the ups. There is goodness and joy in everyone, and by celebrating that with family and friends, we find it is the true elixir for happiness and wellbeing."
My mum and dad didn't have the best marriage, but I know it started from love. What changed through the years? What was lost? I don't think I will ever truly understand. But I had the privilege of witnessing a second chance at love with their respective second partners. I saw the fiery connection between my mum and stepdad; they talked for hours, enjoyed the same things, and wanted to live life together, even when my stepdad was dying. Despite the difficulty, they remained connected and consistently with each other—the complete opposite of what I saw with my mum and dad.
I chat with my friends about their relationships. Although ours are considered 'young marriages' compared to those we've met, there is a common theme. We all share similar stories: with young kids to care for, mortgages to pay, and a house to manage, we often forget each other. In a 'young marriage,' it seems we are living in survival mode—focusing on keeping the kids alive, managing the house, and making money while assuming the other person has it easy or less stressful end of the deal. We forget to see our partner—the one we first fell in love with, who stole our hearts and with whom we couldn't wait to share stories.
During some of our more challenging moments, I would sit silently, wondering where it changed and why we decided to be together. I would question the meaning of our marriage and wonder if this was what a relationship was about. When I reflect on those times, it was likely because we didn't understand each other—we forgot we were in it together. Before we had Amelia, we promised each other to always remember this Post-it note: "It is not you; it's the situation". This was our reminder that in the battles of everyday life when we feel lost, we could look at it and be reminded that it was always us to begin with, that our foundation was strong, that we had each other's backs and that it was the current situation that was throwing us out and leading us apart. I think we forgot to look at our post-it notes sometimes.
As we work through this beautiful love and relationship through all the highs and lows, we have learnt that when we listen to those who have made it through to the other side, their advice is simple. There is no grand formula or big gesture required. They tell us to speak to each other, respect each other, love each other for our unique ways, and allow the person we have chosen to be with to be themselves.
As I think about all the different relationships I've witnessed, it becomes clear that there's no single secret to a great marriage. Instead, it is about the everyday moments and simple acts that build a solid foundation. Whether it's the quiet respect, the ongoing conversations, or giving each other the space to grow individually, these elements weave together to create something lasting. Like a recipe with a dash of this and a pinch of that, the blend of these small things keeps the bond strong.
In the words of the poet Rainer Maria Rilke, "Love consists in this: two solitudes that meet, protect, and greet each other." So, let's cherish the little things, keep talking, and respect each other's unique selves because these simple truths help us dance through life together as a team.
Love always,
Vikki