Why am I so hung up on this whole process of change? To be fair, whenever I think about it, I get a bit of a rollercoaster of feelings – a real mix of happy and sad.
You see, I've been through many changes in my life. I've had the small stuff, like moving countries, falling head over heels, and getting hitched. But then life threw some big ones my way – losing my mum and stepdad, which led us to up sticks and moved again, this time to Australia.
The biggest shake-up, though? That happened inside my own head when I became a mum. Don't get me wrong, having my baby girl is hands down the best thing that's ever happened to me. But it threw me for a loop, the emotional rollercoaster it set off inside me.
I reckon my life went into a bit of a tailspin about 8-9 months after she was born. Maybe it was the start of COVID or the stress of not being able to breastfeed and scrambling to get her formula. I was constantly worrying, trying to be the perfect mum, keep a spotless house, be a doting wife, get my pre-baby body back and pretend everything was peachy.
Sure, I had happy moments, but I wasn't a fan of what was happening inside me. I'd look in the mirror and not know who I was anymore. I'd get snappy with Jorge, impatient with my daughter, and want to check out and not talk to anyone. Then I had to go back to work. Even though it was just three days a week, it added to the head spin. At night, I'd make mental lists, promising myself I'd do better the next day. But then, the next day would come, and I'd reach for a glass to dull my feelings.
I guess you could say I was a "fully-functioning broken person" during that time. On the outside, I looked alright. I could chat, work, take care of my baby, even have a laugh with mates over a glass of wine, or two. But when I was alone, it wasn't so rosy.
Poor Jorge bore the brunt of my mood swings, and our relationship took a hit. It was pretty rough after being so close for over a decade before our baby.
The climb out of this hole started when I decided to make a change, talk things through, and get help. I remember signing up for a Master's in Life Coaching and doubting myself at the first class. I came home feeling lost all over again. But each course gave me new tools, helped me to forgive myself and others, and slowly, but indeed, I started to feel like my old self again.
The funny thing is, I've always felt like something was holding me back. It turns out it was me all along. I finally let myself grieve for my mum correctly. I faced up to the emotions that used to keep me up at night: anger, frustration, embarrassment, fear, sadness, and guilt. Boy, did I have a lot of guilt? I cried for all my heartaches and accepted that it's okay to heal.
I missed the woman I was before all the significant responsibilities came along. I was sad for her. But through this process, I've realised she wasn't perfect either. She was grieving too. I've gone beyond "who I was" and stepped into "this is me". I might be a bit more battered, bruised, and wrinkled, but I'm pretty damn awesome. I've earned the right to share my voice, love, and energy with the world.
As my mum used to say, "Shine baby shine". 🥰
Can we help you through the process of change? Life Coaching is a great way to get the help you need to navigate your way through the process of change with someone who can ask you timely and correct questions, challenge your thinking, and help you eliminate mind clutter and get that clarity you're after. If so, you may be compelled to book a free 45-minute coaching strategy session. Click below for more info and to book.